Inattention | What I Think So Far
by Shannon Fong
I think the world is a very weird place and I think that I am one of the many weird things about it. My whole life I wondered why people were so different from me, but I never had the courage to find out until recently. For many reasons and many curiosities which I don’t think matter for the purpose of this post, I booked a visit to see a psychologist/psychiatrist that a friend referred me to just hear what he had to say. Whether or not I believe in psychology or psycho-therapy who knows, but I was diagnosed with inattention, formally called ADD but now a sub-category of ADHD. It’s been a few months since then, and here’s what I feel.
If I were to say I’m completely unashamed to write this post it would be a lie, but the whole point of finding out what a professional thought was so that I could learn to love myself, and that is my top priority. I feel that he was correct in many ways. He mentioned that I had a tendency to focus on just one specific scenario and I’ll become obsess with it, but I’ll also become easily bored with it. For example, while my friends visit me in Taiwan, I’m so focused on them, I allow myself to not even pay attention to my own health, forgetting to take medicines, allowing myself to get the most epic cold in the world, and putting off my 2017 goals for my YouTube Channel and this website.
When they left last week, I felt super depressed, I felt like I was abandoned and my future was cloudy and that I was lonely, feelings I did not have prior to their visit. People I recently meet, I feel like I can relate to them and I’m super intrigued by them, then the next wave of new experiences flow in and I slowly tuck them into the back of my mind until they’re brought up again. I know that sounds awful, but I’m pointing it out because I feel like it is why I always felt alone and that I did not have enough friends and it explains a lot of my past and perhaps still existing insecurities. I feel weird talking about myself, but at the same time expressing really helps me feel relief. I just can’t stand not having something in front of me to cloud up my mind, so many people eventually back away from my intensity. Realizing this though, I realized that is why the friends that I have kept for years and the people that I love and know truly love me, we are actually great friends. We’re just on the same level of intensity? Or perhaps they just see my good and not my bad. Or perhaps its fate. WHO KNOWS.
How I feel about this is I sort of like being different. It helps me see perspective. However, what I want to now work on is letting go of the moments that I want to keep forever. I move on slower than other people, and I hate it. I hate goodbyes, regrets, and mysterious moments. I rather kill unknown opportunities than find a way to just let life play its course. This is not a good quality and so it is something that I’m trying to learn to fix, for me, and me only.
Last year, I lost a loved one in a tragedy and it really shook me to pieces. I thought break ups and fights with friends or family were bad, but this loss, this certainty, it wrecked me. My inattention however saved my life. I met new friends at a summer program and I was able to distract myself during the hardest time of grief. Of course, at one point, I did lose my shit, and I still often randomly lose my shit. Which is why as of lately, its been really hard for me to really let people in. I play this role of this IDC about anything, I talk to anyone that talks to me, I try to laugh and I don’t like being told what to do. Its crap, but my inattention allows me to focus on finding light, and focus on other things for perhaps 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time I’ve been finding ways to just accept, just allow myself to release my emotions and try stimulating experiences.
Of the many “stimulating” experiences I tried this year, there has been regrets. Nothing that I can’t get over, but I just allowed myself to do things that I never want to remember, but can’t really act like nothing happened. I’m quite scared of how to fix these problems, so my inattention has allowed me to just pretend like they don’t exist and pretend like I don’t have these issues. However the truth is your subconscious is conscious and deep down your body is being affected by it. So what do I think about that? I think that well, life goes on, I’ve been this way for 23 years, and if these problems are real problems than they’ll come to my attention eventually, but as for now, there’s no need to blow things out of proportion.
I think what I want anyone who happens across this post to walk away with is this. I have been diagnosed with a “mental health issue” but its just a diagnostic, whether or not I let this ruin my life is really up to me and I’m trying my best to just embrace it. I think being unique is something that we all strive to be, but when we get the chance to really make a difference most of us run for the hills. I sure did for most of my life. I secretly have liked my weirdness, even in my most depressed moment, I still really love the way I am, I mean there are certainly qualities of my mind that I wish did not exist, but right now I don’t think I want to share that with the public yet. . All I will say though is, getting diagnosed was my personal choice, I do not feel that it has brought any negativity to my life, and in fact I have felt myself improve in many ways.
We are all work in progresses, trapped in the tragedy of romance, responsibility, and the reality of self-righteousness that life is a never ending mystery. Death as I learned is the only anything that is actually forever, so embrace every breath while you can, and remember to appreciate every living being you encounter, even the annoying ones can be good laughs in retrospect, even the ones that break your heart can be learning experiences, and the ones that make you feel loved and happiness, those are the ones that really count. So what I need to do is stop feeling sorry for myself and stop wanting to make sure everyone else feels sorry for me too. I want to just feel good about myself and everyone to feel good about me too
Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts, I hope this in some way shined some positive light, or new found awareness for you. Stay weird, stay you, keep living.